Pronk Needs You!

Hey, crimestoppers.  I figured it was about time for me to come on here and say something about the Tribe, since this is, allegedly, a blog about the Cleveland Indians.

I’ve been thinking that I’d wait until things turned themselves around, and then one week become two, and two weeks became three and here we sit having finished April with the worst record in the division and 3.5 games out of first place pending tonight’s games.

So, buoyed by the happy vibes of Eddi Reader’s latest, which I just downloaded from emusic, I’m going to suck it up and discuss the season so far.

The predominant image I think I’ve taken away from the first 22 games is that so far the season has been like a giant game of whack-a-mole.  Just when something starts to go right, up pops another problem.   It seems like it’s something different every night.  If the starting pitching does well, the bullpen collapses.  Or the defense boots an easy play.  Or the other team gets seeing-eye grounders dribbling through every infield hole while we smoke the ball and the other team makes a ridiculous catch.  Or the Indians get shut down by the likes of Brian Bannister.  And it seems like we’ve had more than our fair share of crappy home plate umpires intent on screwing us at every turn (C. B. Bucknor and Phil Cuzzi, I’m looking at you.)

The good news is that it’s not too late for this team to get back into the race, since they’re only 3.5 games back.  The Indians have not had much luck on the baseball field so far, but they are lucky that another team in the division has not raced off to a hot start and buried them.

I thought that the Indians would just need one big win and then maybe everything would fall together for them and they’d rattle off a few in a row and claw their way back into this thing.  The 22-4 clubbing of the FEDBU seemed like  it would be that win, but then they gave the next game away and then promptly went home and lost 5 of 9 at home.  I though that the game that Boston handed them Tuesday night might be that game, but then last night they pissed away a chance to blow the game wide open and the Indians returned the favor by giving Boston last night’s game.

This team needs some Elvis.  Right now, it’s got none.  Victor is clubbing the ball, and still the team’s got No Elvis.  The Beaded One is playing like an All-Star, and yet this team has got No Elvis.  Pronk even showed up for awhile in place of his evil twin Travis Hafner, and still this team has got No Elvis.  And now Hafner is on the DL with soreness in his surgically repaired shoulder.  Yikes.  Cliff Lee is pitching like a Cy Young winner in his last few starts and he’s 1-3 because the team’s got No Elvis.  This team is playing like baseball is no fun, and they’re just waiting for the next bad thing to happen.  They’re getting pwned by stiffs like Brian Bannister.  They got no Elvis.  Sizemore and Peralta both look like they’ve got no Elvis, though it looks like DeRosa’s Elvis is coming around.

So, how can they get some Elvis?  It looks like Tony Sipp’s got some Elvis.  Matt LaPorta – he looks like he’s got some Elvis, but I don’t think we’ll see him until he’s served his apprenticeship in Columbus.  Dellucci is tearing up AAA in his rehab – maybe he’s got some Elvis left.  Help us, Obi-Wan Dellucci, you’re our only hope.  Damn, this is sad.

This team has not yet learned The First Rule of Holes – when you’re in one, stop digging.  May has to be better.  Doesn’t it?  Doesn’t it?  Please, baseball gods, say yes.  You guys owe us big time for what you’ve done to us this crappy month.  And the last 60+ years, for that matter.